


The Girl Who... Well sh#t

by lida_sen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Female Harry Potter, Gen, Magical Accidents, Nobody is Dead, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 06:57:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14396706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lida_sen/pseuds/lida_sen
Summary: "Just one tiny basilisk bite, and this happens?"Or the Potter luck strikes again.





	The Girl Who... Well sh#t

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own.

Third year was a blast. The Chamber of Secrets incident was long forgotten (Thank God or whatever for summer break), the DADA teacher was good and really taught for once, and the number of British students who could brag about being imprisoned in their school by soul sucking monsters were quite low, right? Right.  
So here Rosalie (“It’s a cute flower name, and there was once a constellation named Rosa, so check for two family traditions”) Potter, Girl Who Lived stood in the Shrieking Shack, cramping, and after the big revelation of the real traitor and the innocence of his godfather, her first question was:  


“Professor Lupin, did you drink your Wolfsbane potion?”  


Everybody froze. The panicked buzzing of disturbed insects could be heard from the other room. That one silent enquiry surely caught everyone’s attention.  


“It’s just… I couldn’t help but notice, that all year you were really ill and irritable during full moon, and it was like we were PMSing together. I admit the werewolf theory was more credible than the PMS one. And now I really need some pain relief potion, so your Wolfsbane potion crossed my mind.”  


Years later this small group of people (except Peter, who rot in Azkaban) fondly thought back the time, when Rosalie Potter’s menstruation cycle changed history.  


* * *

  
*BREAKING NEWS*  


**Sirius Black – Innocent!** _(New York Ghost, Wednesday 23rd July 2003)_  


In an unexpected turn of events Sirius Black, Lord of The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, fugitive of Azkaban proved his innocence.  


“I didn’t even have a trial” declared Lord Black “and I was denied of any compensation for my unjust imprisonment.”  


**Cornelius Fudge refuses all responsibility** _(New York Ghost, Friday 25th July 2003)_  


“It all happened during the tenure of Millicent Bagnold, and Bartemius Crouch Senior was the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. My Ministry shouldn’t pay for their incompetence.”  


**Girl Who Lived - Girl Who Leaved** _(New York Ghost, Tuesday 29th July 2003)_  


“I’m tired of this glorify and degrade game the British wizarding world plays with me. I’m just Rosalie. I’m a child. No child should endure the things I did in Hogwarts. Ilvermorny accepted my application.”  


**Voldemort – dead or alive?** _(New York Ghost, Tuesday 12th August 2003)_  


After the revelation of Rosalie Potter’s first and second year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, conspiracy theories flooded our editors. In our favorite and unfortunately anonymous letter the author claimed, that Voldemort survived with the help of _Horcruxes_. Yes, our dear Readers, more than one!  


**Britain burning in the fever of Horcrux hunt** _(New York Ghost, Monday 1st September 2003)_  


Volunteers swarm the countryside as the school year starts  


**Voldemort defeated** _(New York Ghost, Wednesday 21st April 2004)_

* * *

  
Rosalie always loved summer breaks. In the last seven years in the States she got used to summers, actual hot weather and not just a sunny afternoon. This June the Marauder Trio drove around North Carolina with (flying) bikes, after which Rosalie planned to spend friend time with the visiting Hermione and Ron.  


She’s just left the noisy bar they stepped in for a drink in Charlotte for a bit of a fresh air (well, fresher air with exhaust gas instead of smoke) and to tend to her cut she couldn’t even remember getting when suddenly strong arms caught her from behind, and teeth sunk into her neck. Something must have gone wrong though, because her attacker abruptly pulled out his teeth (she couldn’t feel boobs pressing to her back, so she assumed her attacker was male) and by the time she screamed “Bloody hell!” he turned to stone. With Rosalie trapped between his arms.  


“Shite.”  


* * *

  
Let’s just say, that wandless summoning of a Patronus was very convenient. Unfortunately, Rosalie had to wait until one of the recipients was alone, so by the time Remus and Sirius arrived, she had enough time to come up with a possible explanation.  


“Just one tiny basilisk bite (“Tiny my ass” chimed in Sirius), and this happens? Will I be known as the Girl Who Turns You To Stone?!”  


“Well, Girl Who Stoned is shorter, my darling goddaughter.”  


“Shut up Sirius, it’s serious! Oh my god, don’t laugh! What do we do now?”  


The two wizards brainstorming session started to descent to schoolyard squabble as they contemplated the pros and cons of visiting the National Wizarding Bank’s curse breakers and the healers of Josiah Jackson Hospital of Magical Ailments for the possibility of a draught made of Mandrake, should they even let the attacker live, when a voice coming from the mouth of the alley startled them.  


“I can’t help but notice, that my mate, who promised me a decade-long bender for saving his brother’s life is more stiff than usual. Now, how could we cheer him up?” asked the newcomer with a threateningly cheerful smile.  


Wands appeared in the older Marauders’ hands, but as the intimidating male stood still with crossed arms, they returned to their discussion, although with eyes kept on the situation.  


After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence (and hushed conversation), Rosalie started to feel that his beloved guardians don’t sympathize enough with her predicament, so she tried to gain their attention.  


“The first male in my life Remus and Sirius couldn’t chase off immediately” she turned to the yet unnamed stranger “Can I keep him? I feel quite attached already. Our relationship has future. If only I knew his name“ said Rosalie in the hold of statue Stefan. “I’m Rosalie, by the way.”  


The nonchalance was a bit ruined by the blood trickling down her neck from the bite, but not much.  


The tall blonde man leaned against the wall of the building with an amused grin.  


“I’m Klaus, and your new paramour is Stefan.”  


The bickering stopped. There was no other room here, like in the shack, but somewhere across the ocean perplexed insects buzzed with panic inherited from their long-forgotten ancestors.  


Remus and Sirius apparated next to the trapped girl with a yelled “Off to the Bank we go!“ and Klaus was only saved by his hybrid speed from being left behind in the abandoned alley (though his first Side-Along Apparition made him wish otherwise).  


* * *

  
“And why, pray tell, are we at a bank of all places now?” asked the furious vampire, as he peeled himself off the Apparition room’s floor. (The way of their arrival wouldn’t be touched with a 10 feet pole. Yet. He never met witches like this in his long life.)  


“Potter luck.”  


“What is Potter luck?”  


“It’s like… realizing the same day, that your scar holds a part of the soul of your parents’ killer, but your new account manager is a retired curse breaker and expert of magical rituals, so you don’t have to die to defeat the bugger… Or that almost getting killed by a thousand years old giant venomous snake and healed by a phoenix at the age of twelve petrifies the vampire attacking you eight years later.”  


Klaus decided not to think about it for the sake of his sanity.  


The National Wizarding Bank was the complete opposite of Gringotts in Diagon Alley with its clean, economical lines and architecture. The bankers though – they were as greedy as their goblin counterparts.  


Fame, old money and Klaus’ glare cut their waiting time while Rosalie and Stefan were hidden behind her legacy Invisibility cloak. The guards’ eyebrows and face muscles didn’t even move as they escorted them to a private room, in front of their account manager. Runes carved into the doorway flashed and papers appeared on the table, in front of the typical banker looking middle aged man sitting behind it.  


“My favorite customers brought me a no-maj hybrid with a half-broken curse, and a vampire statue. I already hear the ringing of dragots. What can I do for you this time Miss Potter, Lord Black?”  


* * *

  
Situation described, Samuel Goldstein stood up and walked up and down for a few minutes, with his hands clasped behind his back. (The tension was becoming unbearable, and when the hybrid seemed like within an inch of attacking him, Rosalie managed to hold him back with a whispered “I tried to throw him with a chocolate paper once, but it bounced back from a barrier.”)  


“Your ex-Horcrux status, being bitten by a millennium old basilisk and healed by a phoenix tear made you unique. As your blood has the ability to petrify vampires, your tear might be able to counter it. It’s worth a try before the draught.”  


“So, you want me to cry on him. Just like that? Does it need positive emotion, or something?“  


“No, it’s not like casting a light spell.”  


“Maybe some onion would help?” came the uncertain idea from Sirius.  


“It wouldn’t be the strangest component brought to my office” mused Samuel.  


* * *

  
Stefan awoke lying on a hard surface and pressed down by the weight of another body, with the taste of tears in his mouth and thirst sated like never ever since he became a vampire. Even with blurred memory, he recognized the female in his arms as the almost victim from the alley. Slipping out of under the girl like he was burned by the sun Stefan looked around.  


Before he could process his unfamiliar surroundings, the comfortably lounging brunette started to talk.  


“It’s true that I felt a little trapped in our relationship, but you stayed with me even when my family was against us… And now you just up and leave me?”  


Klaus decided to cut short the impending yelling he was sure the older males wanted to start.  


“Now, that it’s solved, let’s return to my half-broken curse, shall we?”  


* * *

  
“The way you described your creation, the curse and the ritual, you were deceived.”  


“What do you mean deceived?” Klaus stood up with carefully controlled movements.  


“By drinking all of that poor girls blood you bound the making of your hybrids to her blood, one vial would have been enough. Have you tried to turn werewolves?”  


“We didn’t find them yet.”  


“Quite fortunate in this case. They probably would have died in an excruciating way. You can’t create hybrids with her dead.“  


“Huh, your luck is worse than mine.”  


“On the plus side, according my diagnostic spell you regained your ability to procreate with werewolves, and we can correct the blood-bound mistake… Of course, it has a price.”  


“Or not worse.”  


* * *

  
“Now, there’s only one thing left. My client pays a big sum for the protection of her money and privacy. Furthermore, as you are no-maj vampires, according to our laws I have to erase the existence of the wizarding world from your memories.” Stefan and Klaus wanted to jump up from their chairs, but they realized their inability to move. “Fortunately, you will lose just a few hours. It was nice doing business with you, Mr. Mikaelson. As always.”  


“Obliviate.”  


(Fifty years later Rosalie walks on the streets of New York with her granddaughter, when she sees a familiar face at a restaurant. She recognizes Klaus, and has to stifle her laughter, when the brunette accompanying him – whose eyes look startlingly like Klaus’ – calls him father.)


End file.
